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Unexpected Feelings

Unexpected Feelings

I’m just going to get straight into it… Those close to me know “we” (my husband and I) are trying for baby number 2! While it’s very exciting to think we will be expanding our little family, I was very unprepared for the ups and downs of what trying for a baby would actually bring.

You know you read about other peoples struggles and the pressure it can place on a relationship so you’re kinda “prepared” for that, but for me, it’s been more of the internal pressure and ideal of what this was supposed to look like that has caught me off guard.

Duke (baby #1) wasn't exactly an accident, but we weren’t exactly trying either. So he was a happy surprise.  This time around is our first time actually trying. Going into this I told my husband it could take us months but because we have already had a baby and it was pretty easy, I thought it would be the same this time too.

I downloaded an app, got onto my pre-natal vitamins (be it a bit later in the trying process) so I thought we’d be set… track ovulation then do it on and around that date. simple right, I thought so. After about 2-3 months I was wondering why it wasn't happening then I read that people ovulate on different days according to their cycle so I may or may not have been trying on the wrong day!!

This pissed me off! In general every time your period rolls around when you’re trying it’s a little soul crushing and sooooo disappointing.  So when I spoke to my doctor about what days I was actually supposed to be ovulating I for one felt stupid that I didn’t already know this information. Secondly I felt really angry… If I had known I ovulated on the 11th not the 14th maybe I could have been pregnant already. I couldn’t help thinking I had wasted so much time.

Time is a strange concept once you start trying, cause your time starts to revolve around ovulation and periods and if you already have a child, then the age/time between them gets further and further apart. For me I wanted Duke to be about 3 years older… that's pretty much out the window and it bothers me… more than I would like it to. It probably added a lot of unnecessary stress especially in the earlier months of trying. I’m trying not to let it bother me so much these days…

It’s been a daily internal process for me. My husband said just to forget about tracking things and just relax but you can’t unlearn what you’ve learnt. I tried to not be so focused on it but when your body does what it does during a cycle you take mental notes regardless.

And then on top of it all I started to get PMS… which I’ve never had before and thought PMS was something you got on your period which made you angry. Turns out you get all the pregnancy symptoms but aren’t actually pregnant which created massive confusion and frustration!

I mean why couldn't our bodies give us different symptoms for different things! It’s so annoying. I’ve never had it before so when I did I thought it was you know, pregnancy symptoms. Then you get your period and you wanna punch someone in the face! You hope that if you’re feeling that way it better be morning sickness!

And then on top of going through all of that you have to weigh up the pros and cons of telling those around you whether or not you’re trying. You want to keep it to yourself because you don't want the added pressure of people asking or if you do get pregnant you have to hide it until the 12 week mark. Then on the other hand you need to talk to people about it cause of everything I’ve written above.

So right now we are still trying but going to take a break. My husband is away for work on and off for two months so it’s the perfect time to take a step back and think about something else.. have a glass of wine and relax.

If you’re going through the same thing, I feel you! I’m there and I hope your journey gets better soon. I know people who’ve had miscarriages and people who have had to use IVF, I know that my journey isn't the same but the same. I am so glad that we are in a time where talking about fertility, no matter what your personal struggle is, is something we can do on a larger social scale.

If you need someone to talk to, you can leave me a comment or send me a DM on Insta. Or talk to your doctor, even if you’ve just started trying and need advice.

Love, Mel


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